There are times I think that I am too afraid to be happy...for some odd reason, I don't know why. I could be having a happy moment and out of no where, I just feel like stepping back because being happy, to me, just doesn't seem...right.
Is it because I somehow think that when I'm too happy, something bad will unexpectedly hit me in the face and take everything away from me? Yes, I'm very afraid indeed. In the past, it was always when I felt happy... that important things & people got taken away from me. It kind of made develop a phobia towards being happy I guess.
Hopefully, this will all go away. I just wanna be happy without having to worry about it. I know if I keep on going like this, it is bad for myself and most importantly, those around me.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
#77
The following questions were stolen from Peggy Chow's blog =) hehe.
Your ex texted you and wanted you back. Would you take him/her back?
Won't happen... but for the sake of answering this question, no thanks.
Has anyone told you “forever and ever” then left?
They all do that =)
Your relationship status?
In a relationship
Where did you meet your crush(es)?
Wow this question is a little non specific... I guess KL and Melbourne?
Have you ever lost a close friend?
Of course
Do you smoke weed regularly?
No and I'd never do it.
Think back to the beginning of 2011. Are you still dating the same person?
Yes =)
Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
No I think they'd be worried that I'd be sticking to them for the rest of their lives and start thinking of ways to kick me out if I'm still single =\
When was the last time you really laughed?
Hmmm...at a wedding during the weekend =)
Something is wrong. First guy you turn too?
My boyfriend
First girl you’d turn to?
Quite a few =)
Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?
Yeah pretty sure there are quite a few too lol
Angry at anyone?
It's tiring to be angry all the time.
What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?
Self esteem or different personality
When was the last time you cried really hard?
Last time I cried was last night. Not sure about the last time I cried REALLY HARD though.
Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Yes, a few special ones =)
Who was the last person you talked to for more than 10 minutes on the phone?
I only talk to my bf on the phone because I'm not really a phone person =) I like to whatsapp and text, but not chatting for long hours on a phone call.
What is your favorite song?
=.=" a lot, mostly old love songs...
Do you like Red Bull?
Yes, it gives you wings
How many people can you tell just about everything to?
My bf
Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
Never seen a shooting star but I'm always looking out for a wishing star =)
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
Obviously
Describe yourself in one word.
Obese. wtf.
Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?
Yes
Can you honestly say you’ve had a sleepover with the opposite gender?
Yep
Do you rebound?
No because I'm always the one who ends up falling deep and getting hurt so I won't bother looking for rebounds
Ever cheated on someone?
No
What would you do if you found out the person you like was in a relationship?
Pull myself out of the situation
Do you act differently around the person you like?
Yes, at the beginning I'll be more shy... but give me some time and I'll show my manly side wtf.
Honestly, what guy’s number do you have memorized?
My dad's lol...
Is it hard to make you laugh?
Not at all... but it can be quite a challenge when I'm PMSing hahaha
Who was the last person to make you mad?
My 8chi...
Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
No, we broke up for a reason ya know.
Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
Yes
Has anyone ever called you scrumptious before?
Are the fatty things usually scrumptious? hahaha.
Would you like to put a night on repeat and live it forever?
Several nights =)
Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Hmmmmmmmm. I have a few good friends who know a lot about me, but I don't think anyone really knows me inside out, because I don't really trust too easily.
Is your best friend a slut?
Wtf that's like asking "Is your mum a whore?" ... =.=
Is hard drugs a turn off?
Definitely.
Are you happy with life right now?
To a certain extent, but there are still many things I have yet to achieve and I know my life can be so much better once I have.
Are you still in love with your ex?
No
Have you ever been the “other person” in a relationship?
Well not that I know of, unless I've been lied to =\
Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in?
Yeah
Where is your best friend?
I don't really have a BEST friend.
Something you’re happy about?
Nothing much at the moment
How is your heart lately?
Had a couple of breaks but slowly recovering =)
Your ex texted you and wanted you back. Would you take him/her back?
Won't happen... but for the sake of answering this question, no thanks.
Has anyone told you “forever and ever” then left?
They all do that =)
Your relationship status?
In a relationship
Where did you meet your crush(es)?
Wow this question is a little non specific... I guess KL and Melbourne?
Have you ever lost a close friend?
Of course
Do you smoke weed regularly?
No and I'd never do it.
Think back to the beginning of 2011. Are you still dating the same person?
Yes =)
Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
No I think they'd be worried that I'd be sticking to them for the rest of their lives and start thinking of ways to kick me out if I'm still single =\
When was the last time you really laughed?
Hmmm...at a wedding during the weekend =)
Something is wrong. First guy you turn too?
My boyfriend
First girl you’d turn to?
Quite a few =)
Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?
Yeah pretty sure there are quite a few too lol
Angry at anyone?
It's tiring to be angry all the time.
What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?
Self esteem or different personality
When was the last time you cried really hard?
Last time I cried was last night. Not sure about the last time I cried REALLY HARD though.
Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Yes, a few special ones =)
Who was the last person you talked to for more than 10 minutes on the phone?
I only talk to my bf on the phone because I'm not really a phone person =) I like to whatsapp and text, but not chatting for long hours on a phone call.
What is your favorite song?
=.=" a lot, mostly old love songs...
Do you like Red Bull?
Yes, it gives you wings
How many people can you tell just about everything to?
My bf
Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
Never seen a shooting star but I'm always looking out for a wishing star =)
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
Obviously
Describe yourself in one word.
Obese. wtf.
Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?
Yes
Can you honestly say you’ve had a sleepover with the opposite gender?
Yep
Do you rebound?
No because I'm always the one who ends up falling deep and getting hurt so I won't bother looking for rebounds
Ever cheated on someone?
No
What would you do if you found out the person you like was in a relationship?
Pull myself out of the situation
Do you act differently around the person you like?
Yes, at the beginning I'll be more shy... but give me some time and I'll show my manly side wtf.
Honestly, what guy’s number do you have memorized?
My dad's lol...
Is it hard to make you laugh?
Not at all... but it can be quite a challenge when I'm PMSing hahaha
Who was the last person to make you mad?
My 8chi...
Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
No, we broke up for a reason ya know.
Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
Yes
Has anyone ever called you scrumptious before?
Are the fatty things usually scrumptious? hahaha.
Would you like to put a night on repeat and live it forever?
Several nights =)
Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Hmmmmmmmm. I have a few good friends who know a lot about me, but I don't think anyone really knows me inside out, because I don't really trust too easily.
Is your best friend a slut?
Wtf that's like asking "Is your mum a whore?" ... =.=
Is hard drugs a turn off?
Definitely.
Are you happy with life right now?
To a certain extent, but there are still many things I have yet to achieve and I know my life can be so much better once I have.
Are you still in love with your ex?
No
Have you ever been the “other person” in a relationship?
Well not that I know of, unless I've been lied to =\
Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in?
Yeah
Where is your best friend?
I don't really have a BEST friend.
Something you’re happy about?
Nothing much at the moment
How is your heart lately?
Had a couple of breaks but slowly recovering =)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
#76
Here I am once again, visiting my old and abandoned blog simply because I feel like ranting a little...
It's been a long, long time since I've actually put my feelings down into words ... So long that it doesn't even come naturally to me anymore.
Since the previous entry, nothing much has changed in my life. It's still the same old frustration, trying to figure out which course is suitable for me and yes, still trying to job seek. The only major change in my life is that I am now in a new relationship, which to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I'm emotionally ready for.
Perhaps I have way too much time in my hands, or should I say ... my mind, allowing all sorts of unnecessary things to flow through. It's difficult, extremely difficult to be such a worry wart all the time. It's also not something that everyone is able to empathize. Even I myself think that it's abnormal to worry about the smallest things. Sometimes, the thoughts that come across my mind are unimaginable.
So this new guy I'm seeing, is usually the type of guy I would avoid a few years back. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy. However, he's just not the type I'd usually go for. We had very different lifestyles prior to the beginning of our relationship. I stayed home all the time and had a much more, well...anti-social life while he was out there being the party animal. Yes, certain dark shades of his past is the main reason of my insecurities. Yet as much as I'm not emotionally ready to cope with many things, I don't think it's a valid enough reason to leave...or maybe that's just another excuse. Fact is, I can't bring myself to leave.
When I look at him and the way he treats me, it brings a feeling of warmth and comfort, as if this is where I belong. At the same time, small parts of him remind me so much of certain guys who broke my heart in the past. It's rather confusing, really. All these jumbled up feelings I have deep down inside have been affecting what's between us, and it isn't in any way his fault. It's mine. I do not know how to handle my feelings and still have a lot to learn, especially not to associate my own feelings with my actions towards him. There are so many times I feel detached due to my own insecurities and uncertainties.
There's actually so, so much more that I have to say, and although I'm pretty sure no one visits this blog anymore and only a few people actually have the link to this, I still don't feel comfortable taking the risk of certain people accidentally stumbling upon this page.
So here I am, now at the age of twenty two, still trying to learn what life has to offer. It's like having to learn from step one all over again. I've been there, done that ... but somehow it feels like I've never experienced a lot of things in a relationship. Right now, perhaps I'm at the stage of crawling ... but one day, I'm pretty sure, I'll be all up and running. It'll certainly take some time, and maybe I'm much slower than others, but just like everyone else... there'll be a day when I get there.
Honestly, I do not even think this post makes any sense at all. Oh well, I guess this is just the outer layer of what I truly needed to rant.
Hopefully by the next time I revisit this old, abandoned blog of mine ... I will have much more to put down into words. Positive words, of course.
Till then, I wish that everyone around me are well and enjoying life =).
It's been a long, long time since I've actually put my feelings down into words ... So long that it doesn't even come naturally to me anymore.
Since the previous entry, nothing much has changed in my life. It's still the same old frustration, trying to figure out which course is suitable for me and yes, still trying to job seek. The only major change in my life is that I am now in a new relationship, which to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I'm emotionally ready for.
Perhaps I have way too much time in my hands, or should I say ... my mind, allowing all sorts of unnecessary things to flow through. It's difficult, extremely difficult to be such a worry wart all the time. It's also not something that everyone is able to empathize. Even I myself think that it's abnormal to worry about the smallest things. Sometimes, the thoughts that come across my mind are unimaginable.
So this new guy I'm seeing, is usually the type of guy I would avoid a few years back. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy. However, he's just not the type I'd usually go for. We had very different lifestyles prior to the beginning of our relationship. I stayed home all the time and had a much more, well...anti-social life while he was out there being the party animal. Yes, certain dark shades of his past is the main reason of my insecurities. Yet as much as I'm not emotionally ready to cope with many things, I don't think it's a valid enough reason to leave...or maybe that's just another excuse. Fact is, I can't bring myself to leave.
When I look at him and the way he treats me, it brings a feeling of warmth and comfort, as if this is where I belong. At the same time, small parts of him remind me so much of certain guys who broke my heart in the past. It's rather confusing, really. All these jumbled up feelings I have deep down inside have been affecting what's between us, and it isn't in any way his fault. It's mine. I do not know how to handle my feelings and still have a lot to learn, especially not to associate my own feelings with my actions towards him. There are so many times I feel detached due to my own insecurities and uncertainties.
There's actually so, so much more that I have to say, and although I'm pretty sure no one visits this blog anymore and only a few people actually have the link to this, I still don't feel comfortable taking the risk of certain people accidentally stumbling upon this page.
So here I am, now at the age of twenty two, still trying to learn what life has to offer. It's like having to learn from step one all over again. I've been there, done that ... but somehow it feels like I've never experienced a lot of things in a relationship. Right now, perhaps I'm at the stage of crawling ... but one day, I'm pretty sure, I'll be all up and running. It'll certainly take some time, and maybe I'm much slower than others, but just like everyone else... there'll be a day when I get there.
Honestly, I do not even think this post makes any sense at all. Oh well, I guess this is just the outer layer of what I truly needed to rant.
Hopefully by the next time I revisit this old, abandoned blog of mine ... I will have much more to put down into words. Positive words, of course.
Till then, I wish that everyone around me are well and enjoying life =).
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