#76

Here I am once again, visiting my old and abandoned blog simply because I feel like ranting a little...

It's been a long, long time since I've actually put my feelings down into words ... So long that it doesn't even come naturally to me anymore.

Since the previous entry, nothing much has changed in my life. It's still the same old frustration, trying to figure out which course is suitable for me and yes, still trying to job seek. The only major change in my life is that I am now in a new relationship, which to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I'm emotionally ready for.

Perhaps I have way too much time in my hands, or should I say ... my mind, allowing all sorts of unnecessary things to flow through. It's difficult, extremely difficult to be such a worry wart all the time. It's also not something that everyone is able to empathize. Even I myself think that it's abnormal to worry about the smallest things. Sometimes, the thoughts that come across my mind are unimaginable.

So this new guy I'm seeing, is usually the type of guy I would avoid a few years back. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy. However, he's just not the type I'd usually go for. We had very different lifestyles prior to the beginning of our relationship. I stayed home all the time and had a much more, well...anti-social life while he was out there being the party animal. Yes, certain dark shades of his past is the main reason of my insecurities. Yet as much as I'm not emotionally ready to cope with many things, I don't think it's a valid enough reason to leave...or maybe that's just another excuse. Fact is, I can't bring myself to leave.

When I look at him and the way he treats me, it brings a feeling of warmth and comfort, as if this is where I belong. At the same time, small parts of him remind me so much of certain guys who broke my heart in the past. It's rather confusing, really. All these jumbled up feelings I have deep down inside have been affecting what's between us, and it isn't in any way his fault. It's mine. I do not know how to handle my feelings and still have a lot to learn, especially not to associate my own feelings with my actions towards him. There are so many times I feel detached due to my own insecurities and uncertainties.

There's actually so, so much more that I have to say, and although I'm pretty sure no one visits this blog anymore and only a few people actually have the link to this, I still don't feel comfortable taking the risk of certain people accidentally stumbling upon this page.

So here I am, now at the age of twenty two, still trying to learn what life has to offer. It's like having to learn from step one all over again. I've been there, done that ... but somehow it feels like I've never experienced a lot of things in a relationship. Right now, perhaps I'm at the stage of crawling ... but one day, I'm pretty sure, I'll be all up and running. It'll certainly take some time, and maybe I'm much slower than others, but just like everyone else... there'll be a day when I get there.

Honestly, I do not even think this post makes any sense at all. Oh well, I guess this is just the outer layer of what I truly needed to rant.

Hopefully by the next time I revisit this old, abandoned blog of mine ... I will have much more to put down into words. Positive words, of course.

Till then, I wish that everyone around me are well and enjoying life =).